“I just threw my wife’s credit cards in there.”. My mother mumbled, “I did.”, It took me forever to wake up one of my nursing home patients. One day, one of Louise’s friends suggests that she try a different tack. ), or just manually add the email addresses you'd like to keep in your contact list. “We were in love,” she recalled, “and wrote to each other every week. Hurry up! Are you crazy? For our 20th anniversary my husband and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went snorkelling. “You’re it!” That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awakened by Eve poking him in the chest. When my petite mother found her seat on the airplane, she was crushed between my 200-plus-pound father and another large man. I identify with football players because I know what it’s like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring. My wife-to-be and I were at the county clerk’s office for our marriage license. A married woman sees what’s in bed and goes to the fridge. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?” “Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.” The man nods. “They’ve fixed the computer since then.”. “I couldn’t get out until you did.”. At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for her and her husband. Check out our funniest lawyer jokes of all time! “I have to go,” I told my wife. “Because she married a con?”. I’ve been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. When it did not, my thoughtful seven-year-old gave me a hug. “It was my wife’s idea,” I explained to the grizzled salesman at the counter. A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them. Customer: In case you’re wondering, I had a fight with my wife, and it’s my turn to pick up the groceries. A Protestant minister and a Catholic priest performed an ecumenical marriage ceremony. “What does he need me for?” he asked. The salt!” The wife turns and asks, “What is wrong with you?” Her husband calmly replies, “I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”, As my sister relaxed on the couch, her head comfortably leaning against the crook of her husband’s arm, her cell phone beeped. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. “Did you marry him for his money?” “Definitely not,” I laughed. Is he?”, For a moment she stared at the sheet-draped figure; then she said icily, “I’ve never seen him before in my life.”. Neighbours of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio they wanted for their backyard. Before leaving for Officer Candidates School, I half-jokingly mentioned to my family that I was going to learn how to eat, sleep, shower, and shave all over again. Careful! These are the best jokes from up-and-coming Canadian comedians. For my fourth Caesarian section I opted for a bikini incision, which, along with the previous scars, would form an arrow on my tummy. “Why don’t you ever wear your ring?” I asked. Then, to his horror, he realized that he was not only locked out but had forgotten his room number. “Things haven’t changed that much,” she said. “There’s all kinds of food. She was in her 20s, and the man she was dating left for war. One evening we took a brisk walk downtown, and I surprised her by jumping over a parking meter, leapfrog style. “You are a good-looking woman,” he said. My husband did his best to be supportive: “You’re a great artist,” “You’re a wonderful equestrian,” “You’re the most beautiful woman I know.” One day, after another bad ride, I told him my horse seemed depressed. Do you often have trouble making it to the punchline? “Oh, I didn’t marry the man who wrote the letters. When the elevator arrived, he thrust out his arm and beckoned wildly. “Oh, we’ve been married ten years,” I said. Childs experience: if a mother is laughing at the fathers jokes, it means they have guests. To return Click Here. My cell phone quit as I tried to let my wife know that I was caught in freeway gridlock and would be late for our anniversary dinner. Unfortunately, the day I was to take a home pregnancy test, he was called out of town on business. I know what I’m requesting.”. An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. “You got the house.”. Frantic, he rushed to the elevator bank, pressed the button and hid around the corner. I mean a cattleman’s daughter marrying a sheepman’s son.”. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash. They had just had a big argument and were not talking to one another. ♥️ Follow me @promideas1 for more! A single woman goes home, sees what’s in the fridge, and goes to bed. “University of Western Ontario,” he yelled back. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters in Washington, D.C., for analysis. A: He’s trying to figure out the combination. Pregnant with our second child, I was determined to ride my exercise bike at least two miles a day. “What are you doing?” “Counting your ribs.”, A soldier in my National Guard platoon became concerned when the Army insisted that he sign up for direct deposit. Our teacher overheard her and shook her head. Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions.
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